Δευτέρα, 15 Σεπτεμβρίου 2008

A letter from Ana...


Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you. In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely no where! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future. Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their son, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl. But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you. Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down. Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat. When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares?!?!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please. I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.

Sincerely,
Ana

18 σχόλια:

Hfaistiwnas είπε...

Οκ, από το μεσημέρι αυτό διαβάζω, με διαλείμματα βέβαια..
Έτσι είναι τα πράγματα ε; Βασικα είναι τρομακτικά!!!! Πολύ τρομακτικά, αφού κάποια στιγμή νόμιζα πως πρόκειται για μονόλογο από θρίλερ με κάποιο περίεργο ιό..
Πλύση εγκεφάλου κανονική...
Να προσέχουμε λοιπόν...

ProFyLaKtiKo είπε...

θίγεις ένα σημαντικό ζήτημα. μέχρι πρόσφατα πίστευα πως μόνο τα μοντέλα κινδύνευαν. αλλά μπορεί και σε απλούς ανθρώπους, για διάφορους λόγους.

φιλιά.

Alexis είπε...

Δεν το διάβασα όλο, μόνο λίγες σειρές, αλλά μήπως πρόκειται για spam; Λέω εγώ τώρα... :-Ρ
Κι εμένα κάτι τέτοιες μαλακίες μου έρχονταν παλιότερα στο email μέχρι που τους έβαλα όλους σε blacklist. :-Ρ

G_spot_unveiled είπε...

@hfaitiwnas: i epoxi...ta protypa...oi "filoi" pou telika mono filoi den einai...dimiourgoun kati tetoies katastaseis

@profylaktiko: ahhhhhh
filia episis profylaktiko mou

@alexis:de tha sou ekane kako na to diavazes olo :P
les esy twra...alla kaneis lathos...
einai kati pou egrapsa egw...kai prepei na ksereis kati gia na to grafeis... (you do the math)
spam de tha ekana pote post...eleos...

semilingualist είπε...
Αυτό το σχόλιο αφαιρέθηκε από τον συντάκτη.
semilingualist είπε...

That was a right fracking punch in the stomach, mate. That's for sure no stuff to kid around with. This kinda crap's life threatening.
And by no means no fracking spam, for cripe's sakes, people! Open your goddamm eyes! u think this is spam, you know frackall about life out there. Shame.

Congrats for putting it up, man. Well done.
GB xox

G_spot_unveiled είπε...

thanx for the credits :)
that's for sure sth that has to be taken under consideration by everybody..
sometimes i express myself better in English and i had to open this "window" of mine through this way...

thanx again chéri :)
GB :***

Απόστολος Σαμπαζιώτης είπε...

πολύ ενδιαφέρον το ποστ..και δύσκολο το θέμα που πιάνεις.
μου αρέσει όταν βλέπω ανθρώπους να ασχολούνται με τέτοια θέματα στο νετ, νομίζω ώρες ώρες ότι ανοίγουν ένα παράθυρο στη διαπαιδαγώγηση του (μικρό-)κοσμου μας!
την καλημέρα μου!

semilingualist είπε...

you're more than welcome, kiddo. this kinda posts remind me that there's still some traces of sensibility left.
all may not be lost, after all. people taking this as spam really piss me off, BIG time.

see ya soon, nugget, take care now :-)

GB xoxox

TheDiarist® είπε...

Η "ana" σου έστειλε email..? haha... Πολύ καλό post πέρα απ' την πλάκα... Thanks...

γυάλινο δάκρυ είπε...

Πολύ καλό ποστ. Πάνω απ' όλα φταίνε τα πρότυπα που προβάλλονται παντού (τηλεόραση, διαφημίσεις σε περιοδικά και αφίσες στους δρόμους κλπ) που προσπαθούν να περάσουν άμεσα και έμμεσα το μήνυμα ότι όλοι οι άνθρωποι οφείλουν να είναι αδύνατοι για να είναι ωραίοι και κοινωνικά αποδεκτοί. Λες και δεν υπάρχουν ωραίοι άνθρωποι που έχουν περιττά κιλά. Λες και δε μετράει τίποτα άλλο από το σώμα. Αλλά αυτό έχουν καταντήσει οι άνθρωποι πλέον. Να τους μετράμε με τα κιλά για να δούμε αν μας κάνουν ή αν αξίζουν. Σαν να είναι το ανθρώπινο σώμα απλά ένα αντικείμενο χρήσης και ικανοποίησης.

xipasmenos είπε...

Δεν ξέρω τι λέει αυτή η Άννα, αλλά εγώ είμαι μόλις 2 στομαχικές διαταραχές μακριά από το τέλειο κορμί!!

Ανώνυμος είπε...

orea mousiki exeis sto blog soy

G_spot_unveiled είπε...

@απόστολος σαμπαζιώτης:
kalimera episis,kanw oti mporw apo tin plevra mou...
euxaristw gia ta credits :)

G_spot_unveiled είπε...

@semilingualist: thanx agapi :)
see yaaa...moutssssssssss :***

@thediarist: kai oxi mono :(
you're welcome dalring...filia

G_spot_unveiled είπε...

@gyalino dakry: you're more than right...

G_spot_unveiled είπε...

@xipasmenos: oi stomaxikes diataraxes mporei na sysxetistoun kai me tous stomaxikous yliggous?? lew egw twra :PP
kalo kouragio :PPP

G_spot_unveiled είπε...

@anonymous: thanx :)

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